Thursday, August 19, 2010

Emotion: Unknown.

I don't even know what I'm feeling anymore.
I can't stand being with my friends anymore.
I want to devote myself to Will and only Will.
I hope when he comes home we are closer than ever cause I feel like after this summer it really is going to be just us.
I'm still pretty depressed but Will is helping a lot.

I think I maybe bipolar.
Now don't get pissy with me.
Believe me I can't stand when people who act crazy are always like ahah it's because I'm bipolar.
But I swear I'm not just saying it.
My mother, aunt, cousin. and sister are alll bipolar.
So there is a chance that I can be.
It would explain myself lately.

Let's go over the facts.
Here's the top signs of bipolar disorder.
1.Severe changes in mood — either extremely irritable or overly silly and elated
-Ohmygoodness yes! Everytime anyone in my family (or even lately my friends) speak to me I flip out. I don't even know why.

2.Overly-inflated self-esteem; grandiosity
-Okay this one is a no. I will never have a high self-esteem.

3. Increased energy
-At times yes.

Decreased need for sleep — ability to go with very little or no sleep for days without tiring
-Yes yes yess. Key word there is days. It's happened.

Increased talking — talks too much, too fast; changes topics too quickly; cannot be interrupted
-I guess so? Can't say yes or no for this.

Distractibility — attention moves constantly from one thing to the next

Hypersexuality — increased sexual thoughts, feelings, or behaviors; use of explicit sexual language
-Surprisingly yes. I am a virgin but lately I have been thinking about having sex with Will. That's unusual for me.

Increased goal-directed activity or physical agitation
- I don't exactly understand what this one means. Someone explain?

Disregard of risk — excessive involvement in risky behaviors or activities

Anyone readers who are bipolar. Talk to me?

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Emotion: Hysterical.

-Crying that is, not laughter. Definitally not laughter.

So I was just talking to my boyfriend Will.

His parents hatee living in my town because people decided to be douchebags and make their lives HELL. So they want to move.
They told Will that they wouldn't move until he graduated highshcool which is in two years. So I thought, Hey this is good, I don't have anything to worry about!.

But I was just talking to him and he springs on me tat he feels bad that his parents have to go through all this shit just so he can graduate at my school. And that I was the only reason keeping him from moving.
But he's decided that he's going to tell them he is okay with moving because he doesn't want them to have to go through this.

But what about me!?
We've been going out for like a year and a half now. And he's just going to leave me.
I'm utterly heart broken. He says he loves me and I believe he does but he just isn't as upset over is as I am.
Like I always saw myself marrying him. I wanted to be a once in a lifetime girl that actually marries her highschool sweetheart. Not the normal ones who saw they're soo in love and then end up breaking up. I never saw this happening.
I'm depressed as it is.
He is my best friend.
The only person I can talk to.
And I'm depressed as it is.
How am I supposed to make it without him here?

I'm crushed, entirely.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Emotion: Love

The first time I heard about him I had a feeling this was my only chance. Only chance for what? I don't know. Friendship? Adventure? Hey, maybe even love.
Here's what happened.
I walked into homeroom one day in 8th grade hearing news of a new kid in the homeroom next door. Apparently he was some dorky kid with glasses.
First thought: Hey maybe this kid has low standards:D
I walk over to the homeroom next door. He was sitting in the back surronded by the group of my friends that were in that class. The kid was all ready terrified enough I'm sure it didn't help when I popped up and anxiously introduced myself.

The best/worst part of the day was the fact that I was addressing him by the name of Ryan. His name is Will. I didn't find that out until the next day at lunch. Man was I red!
I don't exactly remember why I thought his name was Ryan. I think i mistook someone saying his name was Ryan, well atleast that's what I've been telling everyone...
Bad part: I embarrassed the hell outta myself.
Good Part: Its something we always remember when people ask us when we first met and we laugh everytime.

On that first day of meeting Will I never thought we'd be where we are now.
Yeah, I had a crush on him then and every day since.
But I never thought he'd be my first love.
The first boy I wanted to spent the rest of my life with.
The only boy I want to spend the rest of my life with.
The boy I would cry over the most.
The boy who causes me to smile when ever he crosses my mind. The boy who I wouldn't be able to live with.
The only boy's parents I was nervous to meet because how are we supposed to get married if his parents hate me.
The only boy I could ever imagine myself marrying.
The boy I worry about to much.
The boy who holds me, hugse me, kisses me, confides in me.
The boy who I can tell everything to.
The boy I love.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Emotion: Sadness

Everynight I feel like this.
Not knowing what to do.
Wanting to cry but I never know what for.
The only person I want to talk about it to is Will but I never want to bother him with it.
Especially since he's on vacation. He can't be bothered with my annoying moods.
Today I think my two best friends hung out with out me. Normally that wouldn't bother someone. But I hate the feelinf of being rejected and unincluded.
They could have called.
So I try to tell Will about it and he says some shit that makes me feel worse. He didn't mean to made me feel bad. It just wasn't what I wanted to hear.
I can't handle this feeling anymore.
I feel so alone.
I miss Will so bad.
He's all I want and he's not here and he won't be for another month and a half.